According to the clock in the corner of my computer screen, it is 3:30 a.m. right now. Sleep, you ask? Why yes, sleep would be lovely. Is it going to happen some time soon? Probably not.
Anyway, since I’m not getting to sleep any time soon, I wanted to dedicate this blog post to something that few of my friends seem to understand: My fiery, burning, undying hatred of snow.
Snow is like a polar bear: cute, but deadly. Snow is like that one chick in high school you never had a chance with: pretty, but cold. Snow is like Lord Voldemort: magical, in a ridiculously evil way.
Snow is Mother Nature’s droppings.
I can’t begin to describe how much I despise snow. I suppose it starts with the fact that I am of Filipino descent and I grew up in Texas where a mere half an inch of snow causes the entire state to flip shit. Seriously, people canceled school for snow days that never actually happened simply because the sky threatened to snow. It was never magical when I grew up. It was like some sort of mythical monster — talked about in hushed whispers, feared, and avoided at all costs.
So when I came up to Missouri for college, I found myself surrounded with the monstrous substance. But instead of retaining my fear of Mother Natrue’s droppings, it transformed into a fiery hatred.
Let’s make a list of why snow sucks, shall we?
- It’s cold.
- It’s wet.
- It’s cold and wet.
- It’s slippery, so when you’re walking in it you have to be super careful lest you faceplant in front of a couple of really hot guys. (Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything, I’m just saying hypothetically)
- Columbia can’t seem to invest in proper snow plows, so you have to walk and drive through it.
- It’s cold.
- You have to scrape it off your car every morning.
- It melts because of the salt city workers spread, but freezes overnight so the roads become icy instead.
- It’s cold.
- It gets dingy and gross after a couple of days because people are walking in it.
- It soaks through your shoes and into your socks if you don’t have proper boots.
- Did I mention it’s cold?
Take a look at that list. Even despite all the bullet points reminding you that it’s cold, that’s a pretty substantial list as to why snow sucks.
So now let’s make a list of why snow is awesome.
- There is not a single reason why snow is awesome.
By that logic, we must conclude that snow is horrible.
And to drive home my point, I’m pretty sure in Dante’s Inferno it snowed in the lowest ring of hell.
So if it snows tomorrow, I might go insane. Just letting you guys know ahead of time.