They should call it the judgment room

February 11, 2011

All right, girls, we gotta talk about something. Raise your hand if you feel uncomfortable going No. 2 in a public restroom.

Yeah, I thought so.

Here’s the dealio. Boys are notoriously open about bathroom rules. For example, when using a urinal in a men’s public restroom:

  1. You are only allowed to look straight ahead or up.
  2. You are only allowed two shakes.
  3. You are never allowed to talk.
  4. You must leave one urinal between another person using the restroom.

What most people don’t realize is that, while we do not use standing urinals, women’s restrooms are very similarly fashioned. When in a women’s restroom:

  1. You are never allowed to talk.
  2. You are generally expected to leave one stall between another person using the restroom.
  3. YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO FART OR GO NO. 2.

The last one is the most important. The myth goes that women do not fart or poop. Ergo, we must perpetuate said myth, even amongst our own kind when we know that it’s not true. If you have no choice but to poop in a public restroom, you must make sure that no one else is in the bathroom first. Only until you are sure that the bathroom is clear are you allowed to poop.

IF SOMEONE IS IN THE BATHROOM, YOU MUST WAIT UNTIL THEY LEAVE. If you are in the middle of a No. 2 maneuver and someone walks into the bathroom, you must hold it until they leave. If you notice that someone is in a stall, clearly waiting to go No. 2, you must finish your business as quickly as possible and leave.

So what happens if you’re waiting for the person in the stall next to you to finish, but they’re obviously waiting for you to finish?

I found myself in this exact predicament earlier this morning. After my first class I had to go the restroom. Unfortunately for me, the minute I sat down in my stall a group of five or so girls came in and did their business, forcing me to wait until they had all left. When they were gone, only one remained and she was in the stall next to me.

A of all, may I remind you that she CLEARLY broke rule No. 2. B of all, we ended up waiting each other out for ten minutes before I finally gave up and used the automatic flush to disguise my business.

It made me think how truly ridiculous our bathroom rituals are. I mean, really: Everyone poops (even girls). I know it, you know it. Everyone knows it. But why is it so unacceptable for us to poop in one another’s presence? I personally feel that each time I go No. 2 in a bathroom or I accidentally let loose a fart, those in the bathroom with me immediately start judging. They should call it the judgment room instead of the restroom because there is no rest involved.

I’m just saying, I think we, as women, should collectively discard our reservations and be allowed to poop in peace.


Maybe you shouldn’t be into anyone anyway

February 1, 2011

My friends and I tend to have really weird conversations. Just last night we got some alcoholic slushies and went to my friend’s apartment and sat around for five hours and just talked about anything and everything. One particular subject was about relationships and marriage.

Personally, I feel that most 21-year-olds are too immature for marriage. There are exceptions, but for the most part, I just can’t imagine being married that young. For me, anyway, I’m just too emotionally immature to be responsible for myself, much less someone else.

And perhaps my personal biases cloud my judgment. Commitment scares the crap out of me and I tend to feel trapped and suffocated whenever I am in a relationship, but fer realz. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Even my friends who are in a relationship blanch at the thought of marriage.

As a Catholic, I’ve heard over and over and over again that dating is meant to determine who you will eventually marry. I even have a friend that says you should be considering marriage after you’ve been dating your significant other after six months. Six. Months. That’s just mind-boggling to me. Most of my relationships barely make it past the month-long mark, but nonetheless — if I ever do make it to six months, I doubt I’ll be thinking of marriage. And I’ve told my parents over and over that if I ever do find anyone that I can tolerate enough to spend the rest of my life with, it’s going to be a long time before I get to the engagement part and it’s going to be a really long engagement. At least a year.

This subject came about, as I said, from a conversation I had with my friends. The conversation also came about as we talked about people (specifically women) who feel pressured to be committed by the time they reach 21. Perhaps the pressure is more with women — and to be honest, I’ve never met a man who freaked out because he wasn’t married yet — but it’s something that no one should rush into. If you feel pressured or desperate to be in a relationship simply because of age, the likelier you are to make huge mistakes you will come to regret later in life. Desperation is usually a sign that you’re not ready for a relationship.

In the end, I blame effing Edward Cullen and all this Twilight BS. But that’s a rant for another day.