They should call it the judgment room

All right, girls, we gotta talk about something. Raise your hand if you feel uncomfortable going No. 2 in a public restroom.

Yeah, I thought so.

Here’s the dealio. Boys are notoriously open about bathroom rules. For example, when using a urinal in a men’s public restroom:

  1. You are only allowed to look straight ahead or up.
  2. You are only allowed two shakes.
  3. You are never allowed to talk.
  4. You must leave one urinal between another person using the restroom.

What most people don’t realize is that, while we do not use standing urinals, women’s restrooms are very similarly fashioned. When in a women’s restroom:

  1. You are never allowed to talk.
  2. You are generally expected to leave one stall between another person using the restroom.
  3. YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO FART OR GO NO. 2.

The last one is the most important. The myth goes that women do not fart or poop. Ergo, we must perpetuate said myth, even amongst our own kind when we know that it’s not true. If you have no choice but to poop in a public restroom, you must make sure that no one else is in the bathroom first. Only until you are sure that the bathroom is clear are you allowed to poop.

IF SOMEONE IS IN THE BATHROOM, YOU MUST WAIT UNTIL THEY LEAVE. If you are in the middle of a No. 2 maneuver and someone walks into the bathroom, you must hold it until they leave. If you notice that someone is in a stall, clearly waiting to go No. 2, you must finish your business as quickly as possible and leave.

So what happens if you’re waiting for the person in the stall next to you to finish, but they’re obviously waiting for you to finish?

I found myself in this exact predicament earlier this morning. After my first class I had to go the restroom. Unfortunately for me, the minute I sat down in my stall a group of five or so girls came in and did their business, forcing me to wait until they had all left. When they were gone, only one remained and she was in the stall next to me.

A of all, may I remind you that she CLEARLY broke rule No. 2. B of all, we ended up waiting each other out for ten minutes before I finally gave up and used the automatic flush to disguise my business.

It made me think how truly ridiculous our bathroom rituals are. I mean, really: Everyone poops (even girls). I know it, you know it. Everyone knows it. But why is it so unacceptable for us to poop in one another’s presence? I personally feel that each time I go No. 2 in a bathroom or I accidentally let loose a fart, those in the bathroom with me immediately start judging. They should call it the judgment room instead of the restroom because there is no rest involved.

I’m just saying, I think we, as women, should collectively discard our reservations and be allowed to poop in peace.

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