Dear Washington

July 29, 2011

In case you haven’t heard the thunderous shit storm going down on Capitol Hill for the better part of a month, our nefariously incompetent lawmakers have been struggling to reach an agreement to raise the debt ceiling (a feat which, by the way, the government has managed to accomplish 102 times in the past). If Congress fails to do so by the Aug. 2 deadline, we will default on all our loans, our nation’s credit rating will go down, stocks will plummet, Hugo Chavez will never let us live it down, Captain America will emigrate out of sheer embarrassment, and our only remaining ally will be Greece, which is kind of like Forrest Gump befriending Tyler Durden after Tyler’s life has crumbled around him.

To avoid all of these terrifying possibilities, I have decided to take President Obama’s advice and offer some opinions to our government. However, I decided to address my lawmakers as a whole instead of just talking to one measly senator. Let’s hope this doesn’t get lost in all the other phone calls and emails.

Dear Washington,

Long time citizen, first time letter-writer! I just want to say that I’m a huge fan of you guys. As a fresh college graduate and a member of Generation Y, I’ve been trying to find out how to earn a living by doing as little as possible, and since you guys have been doing it for years, I kind of look up to you as my idols.

Anyway, I’ve been hearing lately that you guys are coming under fire for this whole weird, national debt ceiling thing. And while I don’t really understand the whole situation, I thought I might offer a few suggestions.

1) Alcohol — From what I hear, a lot of the arguments stem from a refusal to compromise and an inability to agree on anything. So the obvious solution is liquor. I find that people are much more agreeable when someone’s sauced. And, if you come across a colleague who is particularly stubborn, just slip a few ruffies right in there. The dudes in The Hangover did it and everything turned out all right in the end.

2) Ask Britain for money — I’ve found that begging my parents for money whenever I’m broke is pretty effective, and since the United Kingdom is basically like our mother, you might want to consider hitting up the Queen of England for a couple billion dollars (and with the current exchange rate, that’ll be, like, four billion Euro). In this same vein, I suppose that the Native Americans are also like our father, but I wouldn’t beg them for dough yet, since we kind of screwed them over by taking their land and killing them off with pox blankets. Give it a few more centuries before you try to rebuild that bridge.

3) Car wash — Since you guys seem to be unable to keep your clothes on anyway (read: former Rep. David Wu), why not put your rockin’ bods to good use and raise funds by holding a car wash, high school style? I’d pay a couple hundred dollars to have my state representative wash my car.

4) Sleepovers! — I think what you guys are missing is a real sense of solidarity. A tried and true way of reaching solidarity is a sleepover. Girls have been doing it for years. I mean, what better way to form lasting friendships than Truth or Dare games that provide material for years of blackmail in the future? I promise, after spending one night together, everyone will be the best of friends.

I hope some of these suggestions work for you guys. I love my country and I don’t really want to see it go down in flames.



Ugh, condiments…

July 25, 2011

This blog post is dedicated to what I view as the ultimate evil.


Yeah, I know. But aside from Hitler, Facism, murder/rape and hipsterism, I really just cannot stand condiments in any form.

My parents always try to sneak mayonnaise on my sandwiches when I’m not looking or paying attention. But I always catch them. I threw a screaming fit in my daycare at five years old when the daycare workers put ketchup on my chicken tenders. I cried and everything. And I literally wouldn’t associate with anyone who was a known mustard eater when I was in elementary school.

I don’t know why I feel this way, but I think it stems from my belief that if something really does tastes good, it should be able to stand on its own, without a condiment crutch. And a huge part of it is the disgusting smell and texture. Ketchup has this sour smell that literally makes me want to yak. Mustard just smells…yellow. I don’t know how else to explain it. And mayonnaise has this disturbingly fluffy texture that makes you feel like you’re eating a mix of whipped cream and ass.

But my detestation extends far beyond the unholy trinity of American condiments. I prefer to eat chips without salsa or guacamole. I don’t dip my cheesesticks in marinara. I ignore the wasabi and soy sauce when I order sushi. And I will eat a salad completely dry before I put dressing on it..

Call me weird if you will. But I prefer the term food purist.

Thursday Three: “how much my week has sucked” edition

July 21, 2011

There’s no way to sugar coat it. My week could not be construed in any way, shape or form as a good week. Most of it has to do with car issues, but let’s not forget about summer school.

Let’s take it from the top.

1. My car needs a new engine

There are times when I regret not going to mechanic school. Because if I did, I’d be bucking gender stereotypes, the jobs are fairly plentiful, the money is sweet, and I’d be able to fix my own car.

I took my car to the shop yesterday because it’s been doing this weird shaking thing lately and sometimes it’ll stop completely when I’m at a stop light. I can’t accelerate or anything — even the brake will lock up. And it’s been burning oil like nobody’s biz.

Well today the mechanic informed me that my car needs a new engine because one of the pistons is completely damaged and it’s burning oil and a bunch of other crap that I can’t remember because my mind was reeling over the fact that I’m going to need a new engine. And that’s going to cost about $4,000, which is almost as much as what I paid for the car.

So my dad laid it out for me plain and simple: going to Rome or my car.

Have I mentioned how much I suck at making adult decisions? Because I do.

2. I got pulled over for the first time ever

Since my car has been acting wonky for a while and since I took it to the shop, I drove my mom’s car to school yesterday. And I got pulled over for the first time.

Let me just take this opportunity to say that I am a very cautious driver. I accelerate slower than a snail. I brake at least five hundred feet before I actually get to the light. And I never speed, unless I’m on the highway on extended road trips. In fact, I was hoping to go at least ten more years without getting pulled over.

It turns out, the cop pulled me over because the inspection sticker on my mother’s car was four months expired. When I called my mom to inform her of this, she said, “No, it’s not! The inspection’s not expired! He pulled you over because you did something wrong!”

“Ma!” I shouted. “I got pulled over because your inspection’s expired!”

Two minutes later when my father called, I got to repeat the same conversation.

“What do you mean the inspection’s expired? How can it be expired?” he demanded.

“I’m looking at it right now, it says March 2011! I don’t understand why you think I’m lying!”

I got off with a warning because it wasn’t my car, but it still didn’t make up for the fact that I got pulled over in the first place, nor did it make up for the fact that my parents seem to think I’m a lying, speeding delinquent.

3. I love it when non-Catholics tell me about Catholicism

Not really.

The other day, my music appreciation instructor gave us the order (in list form) of a Catholic Mass. According to my non-Catholic music appreciation instructor, it goes like this:

  • Intro
  • Kyrie
  • Blessing/”some sort of reading”
  • Gloria
  • Another blessing/”some sort of reading”
  • Offertory
  • Creed
  • Communion
  • Sanctus (Holy Holy Holy)
  • Agnus Dei (Lamb of God)
  • Dismissal
Good to know I’ve been doing it wrong for 22 years. I better tell the Vatican about this.

Protected: Summer School Hipsters

July 13, 2011

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