This blog post is dedicated to what I view as the ultimate evil.
Yeah, I know. But aside from Hitler, Facism, murder/rape and hipsterism, I really just cannot stand condiments in any form.
My parents always try to sneak mayonnaise on my sandwiches when I’m not looking or paying attention. But I always catch them. I threw a screaming fit in my daycare at five years old when the daycare workers put ketchup on my chicken tenders. I cried and everything. And I literally wouldn’t associate with anyone who was a known mustard eater when I was in elementary school.
I don’t know why I feel this way, but I think it stems from my belief that if something really does tastes good, it should be able to stand on its own, without a condiment crutch. And a huge part of it is the disgusting smell and texture. Ketchup has this sour smell that literally makes me want to yak. Mustard just smells…yellow. I don’t know how else to explain it. And mayonnaise has this disturbingly fluffy texture that makes you feel like you’re eating a mix of whipped cream and ass.
But my detestation extends far beyond the unholy trinity of American condiments. I prefer to eat chips without salsa or guacamole. I don’t dip my cheesesticks in marinara. I ignore the wasabi and soy sauce when I order sushi. And I will eat a salad completely dry before I put dressing on it..
Call me weird if you will. But I prefer the term food purist.