Dear Washington

In case you haven’t heard the thunderous shit storm going down on Capitol Hill for the better part of a month, our nefariously incompetent lawmakers have been struggling to reach an agreement to raise the debt ceiling (a feat which, by the way, the government has managed to accomplish 102 times in the past). If Congress fails to do so by the Aug. 2 deadline, we will default on all our loans, our nation’s credit rating will go down, stocks will plummet, Hugo Chavez will never let us live it down, Captain America will emigrate out of sheer embarrassment, and our only remaining ally will be Greece, which is kind of like Forrest Gump befriending Tyler Durden after Tyler’s life has crumbled around him.

To avoid all of these terrifying possibilities, I have decided to take President Obama’s advice and offer some opinions to our government. However, I decided to address my lawmakers as a whole instead of just talking to one measly senator. Let’s hope this doesn’t get lost in all the other phone calls and emails.

Dear Washington,

Long time citizen, first time letter-writer! I just want to say that I’m a huge fan of you guys. As a fresh college graduate and a member of Generation Y, I’ve been trying to find out how to earn a living by doing as little as possible, and since you guys have been doing it for years, I kind of look up to you as my idols.

Anyway, I’ve been hearing lately that you guys are coming under fire for this whole weird, national debt ceiling thing. And while I don’t really understand the whole situation, I thought I might offer a few suggestions.

1) Alcohol — From what I hear, a lot of the arguments stem from a refusal to compromise and an inability to agree on anything. So the obvious solution is liquor. I find that people are much more agreeable when someone’s sauced. And, if you come across a colleague who is particularly stubborn, just slip a few ruffies right in there. The dudes in The Hangover did it and everything turned out all right in the end.

2) Ask Britain for money — I’ve found that begging my parents for money whenever I’m broke is pretty effective, and since the United Kingdom is basically like our mother, you might want to consider hitting up the Queen of England for a couple billion dollars (and with the current exchange rate, that’ll be, like, four billion Euro). In this same vein, I suppose that the Native Americans are also like our father, but I wouldn’t beg them for dough yet, since we kind of screwed them over by taking their land and killing them off with pox blankets. Give it a few more centuries before you try to rebuild that bridge.

3) Car wash — Since you guys seem to be unable to keep your clothes on anyway (read: former Rep. David Wu), why not put your rockin’ bods to good use and raise funds by holding a car wash, high school style? I’d pay a couple hundred dollars to have my state representative wash my car.

4) Sleepovers! — I think what you guys are missing is a real sense of solidarity. A tried and true way of reaching solidarity is a sleepover. Girls have been doing it for years. I mean, what better way to form lasting friendships than Truth or Dare games that provide material for years of blackmail in the future? I promise, after spending one night together, everyone will be the best of friends.

I hope some of these suggestions work for you guys. I love my country and I don’t really want to see it go down in flames.



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