Fuck your lawn signs (AKA election rant No. 2)

Election day is less than a month away.

HOLY SHIT, GUYZ I’M FREAKING OUT.

No but seriously. It occurred to me (read: an individual who shall remained unnamed notified me) that I haven’t rant-blogged about elections in a while, and since I promised more election rants: Here’s the latest.

<rant>

As a journalist, I’m not allowed the luxury of political opinions. Or more specifically, I’m not allowed the luxury of expressing my political opinions. It’s a time-honored tradition of my profession and my forebears to maintain a level of unbiased objectivity, blah blah blah…

I find it kind of ironic my profession is dedicated to fighting for first amendment rights while simultaneously preventing its practitioners from expressing those same rights. But that’s what this rant is about today. This rant is about how non-journalists choose to express themselves, namely in the form of what I consider election season’s greatest evil: lawn signs.

I hate lawn signs. I hate them with a fiery passion typically reserved for cable news networks. They’re awful, and these are the reasons why:

  1. They’re expensive to produce.
  2. They’re unnecessary.
  3. They do not fulfill their purpose.
  4. They’re a hazard to everyone.

Reason No. 1 is fairly self-explanatory, so I won’t expand any further. As for No. 2, lawn signs are a superfluous show of support. Let’s face it: Most people who have lawn signs already have a plethora of other items that declare which candidates hold their political favor. For example, say you’re strolling down the street in your suburban, middle-income-earning neighborhood and you see a resident with a Obama/Biden sign planted right in front of his rose bush. Then you look over at the car parked in the driveway and you notice the bumper is plastered over with bumper stickers saying, “I think, therefore I am a Democrat,” and “May the fetus you save be gay.” If it were me, I might think to myself, “Wow, that car has an awful lot of bumper stickers. Why in the world would this person need a lawn sign?”

And in such neighborhoods, people with lawn signs and bumper stickers are not at all reserved when it comes to their political opinions. When I brought up my scenario, I bet all of my readers had a specific neighbor in mind. You know that neighbor, and chances are you’ve probably discussed politics with said neighbor. You’ve also probably been treated (read: tortured) to hours upon hours of political rhetoric from this individual. And let’s face it: You probably think this neighbor is a stuck-up asshole. So it comes as no surprise to you how this person chooses to vote, but it kind of pisses you off because he’s an asshole.

Which leads me into reason No. 3: THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE. Sure, lawn signs are supposed to declare your support, but aren’t they also supposed to encourage undecided voters to support the candidates emblazoned on the lawn sign? No where, on any of the lawn signs I’ve seen around town, do they list the candidate’s platform. It only lists the candidate’s name and the seat he/she is running for. NOTHING that would convince an undecided voter to vote for you. So what is the fucking point?! THERE IS NONE.

The last reason is the one that spawned this blog post. They are a public hazard.

Case in point: I live off a fairly busy intersection that sees a lot of traffic. For some unknown, God-forsaken reason this intersection does not have a traffic light. Instead there is one right-of-way street and a set of two-way stop signs. I live on the side of the stop signs, so every time I leave to go to work and come home, I have to stop and look both ways on the right-of-way street to make sure I don’t crash into anybody.

Well since that right-of-way street also happens to be one of the more traversed ones in town, these STUPID FUCKING POLITICIANS decided it would be a fantastic idea to line the side of the road with lawn signs, effectively blocking my vision.

SERIOUSLY. ON ONE OF THE BUSIEST STREETS IN THE FUCKING TOWN YOU ASSHATS HAD TO GO AND PUT YOUR FUCKING LAWN SIGNS WHERE VISIBILITY IS ALREADY ZERO BECAUSE IT’S AT THE TOP OF A FUCKING HILL. YOU MOTHERFUCKING LAZY STUPID SONS OF BITCHES.

Sorry. My capslock and backspace keys broke simultaneously.

Anyway. I equate lawn signs to alcohol: It’s a hazard to other drivers, so use in moderation.

</rant>

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